No Place Like Gnome
by Lunar Siren
Summary: One secret... two friends... and a gnome! Sometimes you have to wonder if men are worth it. One-shot. AU, AH,


**Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight saga; no copyright infringement intended. I make no money off this. It's just for fun.**

_I wish I could tell you where this crazy one-shot came from, but I honestly have no idea.  
I was getting bogged down with CV and suddenly this ridiculous idea comes forward.  
Either way, I hope you enjoy it. It's just pointless silliness.  
Oh, and it wasn't beta'd. Again, it's just silliness._

_Enjoy and review! And keep your eyes peeled for the soon-to-be CV chapter! (:_

_OO-OO-OO  
_

The apartment was empty without him. It was odd. She was used to being greeted by him after a hard day at work. He always made her smile no matter what happened with her coworkers. He was someone she could vent to and be assured she was heard. Most guys ignored a whining girl, but not him.

Her bedroom was too empty without him. His shelf had collected dust since his disappearance. She'd meant to clean it, but getting close was too painful. She couldn't bring herself to touch it.

What made it worse were the letters and pictures she received in the mail. Even if he was gone, he always gave her an update. Was that a good sign? And did it make her any more pathetic that she glanced out the windows every ten minutes, waiting to see the mail carrier come down the street? Work days were the worst; she sat behind her desk, biting her nails, and wished the time away. Five o'clock couldn't come fast enough.

Today was particularly bad. A coworker messed up a simple spreadsheet, so she offered to fix it. Having to redo the whole thing, she was late for the staff meeting, was blamed for the terrible spreadsheet, and her hard work was stolen by the worthless coworker. She swore the girls in her office were out to get her.

Stopping at the mailbox in her building, she grabbed the boring junk mail and quickly flipped through the envelopes. Her hands shook when she spotted the familiar handwriting. It was so sloppy it could only be him.

She ran through the lobby as fast as she could in her heels. The elevator was too slow today; she ripped off her heels and jogged up four flights of stairs, clutching the letter to her chest.

By the time she reached her door, she was gasping for air. Yoga did not prepare anyone for running up stairs. She juggled her shoes around to fish her keys from her purse and unlocked the door, slamming it closed behind her. She dropped her heels, walking toward the kitchen as she tore at the envelope. This was the second one in a week; something interesting must have happened. She expected one in a week, but two or three meant he explored something he missed before.

_Bonjour belle!_

_Can you already guess where I am? Paris. It's amazing, except for all the tourists. Oh, that's right. You last heard from me in Spain. Well, I caught an early flight and hopped over to the city of love._

_I've spent most of my time in the Musée du__Louvre. The paintings are nice, but the real magic lies in the statues. They're life-like. I swear some of them blinked and moved, but the hottie I invited didn't believe me. You believe me, right?_

_Did I mention the view from my hotel? It's right on the Seine, and I can see the Eiffel Tower from my window. The lights in the sky almost make up for the lack of stars. Maybe one day I'll bring you with me. _

_I was thinking about returning to the States soon. When was the last time I was there? Three months? Would you still be there to greet me?_

_Anyway, I have a day left in France. Time to load up on frog legs and snails before my next flight. Wonder where I'll end up next?_

_With love,_

_Me_

She finally looked at the enclosed picture after reading the letter twice. He was at the top of the Eiffel Tower with a woman on each arm. She smiled sadly at the picture, shaking her head. Why did he torment her like this? Why did she even put up with it? She really had to find a better hobby. But she still added the letter to the rest, and the photo to the album. And she still waited.

OO-OO-OO

_Guess who!_

_I've spent a few days in England now, and I'm almost certain it's better than America. You'd like it. They have tea everywhere._

_ I saw St. James Palace, but they wouldn't let me inside, so I hung out with the guards. We met a lot of hot chicks. There were a few cute blonds, but none as beautiful as you. So I ignored them. Naturally._

_ They have some nice tourist traps around here, but I'd say it's better to live here. It's amazing. This place is so old, with so much culture._

_ If they combined England and France, it would be the richest country. In culture and art, anyway. Because, you know, the buildings._

_ I'm definitely coming back here. Maybe someday I'll bring you along._

_ With love,_

_ Me_

_OO-OO-OO_

_I saw the Notre Dame de la Chapelle today. Brussels is huge! I never thought there was such architecture hiding out here. Maybe I was wrong about France and England? Nah, couldn't be. I'm never wrong!_

_ I thought they might try to keep me out, but the doors were open, and I got in with no problems. Found some nice ladies too. Didn't understand a word they were saying, but I got a picture with them. They were really giggly; they might have been tourists._

_ What do you think of the inside? It's massive; I could only capture a little bit of it in the photo. What do you think of the ladies? Are you jealous I found myself yet another blond? Don't be. You're still my one and only. Brussels is big enough for two people; maybe if I come back, you can come too._

_ I'm thinking two more weeks overseas, and then I'll consider coming back to the States. Two more weeks of these obnoxious letters and you might just see me in person. What do you say? Want to pick me up from the airport?_

_ With love,_

_ Me_

OO-OO-OO

_Cześć! I'm in Poland today! I went to the Bieszczady Mountains—the view is awesome. That's where I'm at in the picture, in case you were wondering. Or is it too obvious? That stretching skyline, rolling hills. You really need to see it in person to believe it._

_ The locals are kind of snobby here, but maybe they just don't like me. Maybe they don't like tourists? I stay in my hotel most of the time, despite being fluent in Polish. I thought they might appreciate my talented tongue. Okay, you caught me. The women ignore me. I've been trolling the hotel bar but they hate me. Guess they're not impressed with American blood._

_ So I've been thinking—being holed up in a hotel room will do that to a person, after all—and I decided, I think I'm ready. I want to hit a few more countries, of course. I'm kind of missing home, though. You know, where you are. I'll keep you updated on these silly thoughts. Two weeks, remember?_

_ With love,_

_ Me_

OO-OO-OO

Over the next two weeks she received a slew of letters from different countries. After Poland he went to Lithuania, Latvia, and Estonia. Then he drew out the details of his trip to Sweden and Norway, and eventually Scotland. That was all in the first week. She couldn't believe how quickly he was traveling now, trying to cram in all the different countries. Wasn't he jetlagged?

By the last week she had to buy a new album for the photos. They never stopped coming, just like his letters. He went to Switzerland, Austria, Croatia, and Romania. He bragged about seeing Dracula, but she could only roll her eyes. He didn't even know the difference between Romania and Transylvania.

He didn't mention his self-titled silly thoughts until he was in Russia. The last line made her hands shake worse than usual. _I'll see you in a few days, beautiful._ She wondered how long this letter was delayed in the mail. What did a few days mean to him? Would he be home immediately, or would he wait another week? What if he pulled the trick he used last time? He said he was coming home, but three weeks later she received a few letters from him, one of them saying he changed his mind. She really hoped he didn't do that again.

Two days later, at one o'clock in the morning, there was a knock on her door. She was still awake since tomorrow was her day off. She had been comfortable on the sofa watching boring late-night television until the interruption. Whether it was a phone call or a personal visit, any contact after midnight was a bad sign.

An envelope appeared under the door before she could open it. Her heart did somersaults in her chest. She picked it up, barely glancing at her name scrawled lazily on the front, and tore it open. It was him.

_Hey babe! Did you miss me? I told you I'd come back. Open the door._

That single line almost had her in tears. He was home. He was finally home.

She flipped the locks with shaking fingers and opened the door. There he stood in the bright hallway with his familiar grin and stupid hat. He was real. It wasn't a trick.

With an excited squeal, she scooped up her silly gnome into a crushing hug. It didn't bother his ceramic body at all, but she was certain if he was a real person, he'd be in pain. A flash went off to her right, and she turned to find her friend, still in her flight attendant uniform, holding a camera.

"You are so attached to that thing it's almost scary," Victoria said with a grin.

"Shut up," Rosalie snapped, stroking the gnome's hat lovingly. "I've had him since high school. I can't help it."

"Sure you can. Just get rid of it."

"No way! My grandmother bought him for me. I'm not going to ruin her memory by throwing away the only thing I have left of her. I just wish you'd stop stealing him when you have to work."

Victoria shrugged, slipping past Rosalie to get inside the apartment they shared. "You shouldn't have told me about him and your wish to have a wandering gnome."

"That was in college!" Rosalie said, closing the door as she followed her friend. "I thought you would have forgotten about that part."

"Forget the only quirk my perfect Rosalie Hale has? Not on your life. I could have sworn you were a mechanical Barbie until I found out about this little guy." Victoria rubbed the gnome's hat as if she was petting a lazy cat. "It's kind of funny to think someone as beautiful as you has a thing for gnomes."

"Not just any gnome. _My_ gnome. And by the way, I don't like that you make him sound like such an idiot. 'Trolling the bar?' What was that about?"

Victoria grinned, settling on the sofa. "I thought it would spice things up. My fellow attendants thought it would be funny, and a lot of women thought he was kind of cute. Why not make him your very own Don Juan? It made the letters interesting, right?"

Rosalie shrugged, still clutching the gnome. She was almost afraid to put him back on his shelf. This was the second time Victoria stole him away. She would definitely do it again.

"Did you keep any of the letters?" Victoria asked.

Rosalie went to her room and retrieved the shoe box from under her bed. It had letters from the last trip inside, as well as the new ones. The two albums were also inside. She sat beside her friend, setting the gnome on the cushion next to her, and opened the box. Victoria laughed at what she saw. Every letter, every picture, was saved.

Victoria hugged Rosalie tightly. "You are so silly, but I love you so much."

Rosalie returned the hug just as strong. "You are obnoxious, but for some reason, I love you too. Next time, though, if you take my gnome again, you're taking me with you."

"I promised I would, didn't I? I think I added it to every letter. Trust me, next time I'll steal you away instead of your crazy friend there."

Rosalie patted her gnome with a small smile. "No, he has to come too. Maybe we'll find a friend for him out there somewhere. After all, one gnome can never have too much adventure."


End file.
